The 'Beauro-gouge-out-your-eyes-red-tape' Syndrome

If you're a citizen of Greece and have gone through the process of doing anything citizen-related in terms of things that involve having your name registered somewhere(on a computer or on a piece of paper) then you know what it's like waiting behind drudgingly tiresome lines that never seem to end; and, being mislead to another source that presumably has the source of information you're looking for until you arrive there and find that you're in another three-ring circus that has the same eventuality. It's a lose-lose situation where you're driven out of your wits trying to find the path of least resistance, only to be wrapped up from head to toe by the government's red-bullshit-tape, and till you suffocate from their pseudo-controlling hands. I believe Greece has one of the most -if not the most- harshest bureaucratic systems ever enforced in the history of mankind. I believe that the government wants an exclusive measure of control over its citizens, so it established a cobweb of messy-screwed-up laws in order to have everyone feel the pressure of accountability and to unnoticeably follow in their capricious ideas for a more stable and just society. It's like we're helpless puppets, and all our appendages are full of strings that end up being manipulated by their whimsically corrupt hand gestures. These puppeteers are ruthless and exacting and want everyone to follow their orders as they see fit. It's an unfortunate and miserable condition that everyone has to live by - except for them of course since they can easily bypass the law.

The 'Spaced-out-you-mean-nothing-stare' Syndrome

I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but whenever I'm introduced by my friends to someone they know -be it in a party or gathering of some kind- I usually come across somebody who in the beginning might say 'hi' and may look all enthused about wanting to start a conversation, but later as I start talking to them they begin to stare blankly at the universe around them in a sort of contemplative fashion - and then that's when I lose them completely. They spot another person in the crowd and begin asking them a question that suddenly entered they're minds - tuning me out abruptly as if I was some sort of staticky frequency over the radio. I don't know if it's an attention span disorder that they suffer from, or if it's me and I have a 'don't-talk-to-me-sign' sticking out on my forehead. If you notice from the two pictures that i included in this post, both of them are looking elsewhere as if a deep trance had overtaken them, or as though they were searching for the meaning of life. Whatever the case, I think you get my point..

The 'One-raised-eyebrow' Syndrome

If you've ever carefully looked at the eyes of middle aged to older aged people living in Greece you'll notice that in most cases one of their two eyebrows is slightly raised above the other. I have my own theory behind this strange phenomenon, therefore what is about to follow doesn't necessarily mean that you need to totally agree with my observations, I'm just presenting my own subjective material. I've also named this theory the 'silent-non-sentient-stroke.' It basically is a gradual process that requires many years of exposure to the chaotic toxins in the air of society that have unabatedly circulated for many generations. However this seems to have intensified lately causing this 'Greek evolutionary gene' to cultivate more rapidly, even making the younger ones more susceptible to it. Unlike the typical stroke which occurs suddenly and paralyzes the unsuspecting victim, the 'silent-non-sentient-stroke' takes years to cultivate and usually accentuates the brow area since that's usually the place where most Greeks tend to create what I like to call, 'brow-gesture-stress-marks.' After years of repeated spastic movements these 'brow-gesture-stress-marks' start to stiffen the muscles in that area and causes the more dominant side to rise above the other - making it look as if the person's face disposition gives off a feeling of irony.

The 'Sex-talk-pandemonium' Syndrome

Sex this...sex that...how to sex...sex for Greeks...sex for dummies in Greece...i'll sex you up....yadee yadeee dahh - ohhh the glorious & grandiose sex talk... Greeks are obsessed with sex. Not that it's a bad thing; but it's so 'in-your-face-24-7' that you get to a point where you feel that maybe something is missing from your sex life. Turn on the radio in your car or at work and you're bound to hear the topic propagate it's way into the conversation. Walk up to a kiosk in broad daylight and you'll see Greek magazines with nude women posing on the cover - instead of centerfolds inside the magazine. It is so widely advertised that even live TV programs are openly airing talk shows to discuss what most people consider a 'behind-closed-doors-hush-hush' kind of topic. It's not enough that they have to openly insinuate you about your weight, but they feel it's proper to publicly expose your 'Kamasutra' to everyone. Maybe they feel you're not a well-enough-trained virtuoso in the field, so they make it incumbent on themselves to teach you the 'tricks of the trade'. Not that they undress in front of national TV, but they certainly make you visualize it in your mind. Pretty soon they'll probably incorporate some kind of virtual reality TV where everyone with 3D glasses can interact in their very own peep show. Anyway for all those sex-crazed addicts I've included a banner on the lower right hand column that will direct you to a site of one of our sponsors; and one of the very first online Greek stores that provides access to thousands of 'hush-hush' products that you would'nt normally find in your local supermarket. Have fun!

The 'C'mon-let's-resurrect-Christ-for-another-year-so-we-can-eat-our-lamb' Syndrome

"Happy Easter!" "Happy Resurrection!" With Easter right around the corner, these are two traditionally spoken cliches that you'll hear people uttering to one another. But, if you pay careful attention to the later one you know that it has to do with Christ's death and resurrection almost 2,000 years ago. I don't think people realize exactly what it is that they're saying when they say those two words; and even if they did know, they're just so used to saying them that it doesn't matter to them, it's just the polite thing to do before the festivities begin. Since I like to analyze things -as you probably already understood from my previous posts- I recall from my Bible lessons that Christ died once and his resurrection back in the spiritual realm took place one time - if that is of course what you believe and what you were taught as well. I'm not here to preach or lecture about Christianity, I just want to know one thing: "Why is it that they crucify him all over again and make him return back to heaven every year?" Is there something that I'm missing? If so, please, let someone comment back and correct my thinking. Perhaps, the custom developed as a way to make the holiday more memorable in relation to his death; but even so, if a memorial were to take place then whatever it is that people would say with regard to his death would be stated in the past tense. When people say it to me, I just stare up in heaven and say - "he hasn't risen yet, cause I don't see anyone up there.." And then I carry it on further -if the conversation permits- and say, "oh, I'm sorry, were you referring the expression to me cause as you can see I haven't de-materialized just yet.." They just giggle back and start saying it to the next person that comes their way. Anyway, "happy Easter everyone.."

The 'Throw-a-brainfart-question-and-think-later' Syndrome

I've heard some wild things in my day, but there are just some things that no matter how often you try not to reminisce on them they keep popping back up. Well in my case I've heard a few that are so ludicrous that even if babies were allowed to talk at infancy they wouldn't utter such nonsense. Sometimes, because they have nothing better to do than sit around and watch others involved with their work they just feel they have to question something for the sake of a question, and to spark some idle talk which really has no point to it. I've listed a few of my favorite questions below followed by my own answers; so, if you would like to add some of your own questions or answer some of the questions herein, just comment back on this post and let'em have it.
-What kind of fax is that? The kind that comes out of your ass.
-Where does that wire go into? In your mouth.
-What does USB stand for? For U to Shut your Beak(in other words - mouth)and let me do my work.
-Why is the monitor showing up black? Because maybe you didn't power it on!
-Do you want to make it happen? Make what happen - if I could I'd make you disappear.
-Where does that road lead to? Look in front of you and you'll see exactly where it leads; otherwise, I suggest you get a pair of prescription eyeglasses.

The 'Let's-slap-on-a-title-for-ourselves' Syndrome

Be it a job title(plumber, carpenter, electrician, etc...) or a educational title(MBA, PhD, etc...), Greeks love to adorn themselves with fictitious IDs, and remain adamant to their word that who they say they are - they truly are. I've come across so many phonies over the four years that I've been living here that I know the next time I hire a Greek to do a job for me I'm going to do a background check. Whatever business card or CV I look at I know to appraise it only at face value; and whoever it is that I'm interviewing for a job I know to take whatever they say with only a granule of melted salt.
I recently had my apartment renovated and I had hired quite a few people(from respected sources) to do the job. It ended up costing me double the price I originally estimated due to the fact that I myself(along with my in-laws) had to buy the extra material and patch up the damage that they -as a result of their so-called expertise- incurred. Everyone I've talked to since then who had likewise invested money to do similar work on their homes had also experienced the same deception - as a result of which punitive damages were sustained on their property. If you have a similar story to share with us please feel free to comment back to this post.

The 'Zoom-zoom-motorcycle-doom' Syndrome

It's a bird....it's a plane....no, it's lunatic Greek driving a motorcycle - watch out!!! These zinging hillbilly half-wits think that they govern all the roads that they drive on and that there is a golden carpet laid out for them wherever it is that they go. Whatever space exists between cars or people -however narrow it may be- you need to be aware of their presence because they're bound to zing their way like buzzing flies next to you(or right by you). Also know that if you're a pedestrian minding your own business and walking along a sidewalk, and you happen to see a motorcycle coming at you, don't be alarmed - they're just following their own road signs, specifically custom tailored just for them.
If you accidentally touch them(or hit them in an accident) while you are driving, or bump them while they are stationary, a word to the wise - never pretend that you didn't see them or that you're in the right and they're wrong. You might get them(if they're still alive) jumping on your car or dragging you out of the driver's seat and kicking you in public(Ok, maybe I over-exaggerated a bit); avoid any obscene/profane gestures or verbal attacks cause they'll be sure to pull up next to your window and let all hell break loose. In addition, be aware of the infamous purse/bag snatchers. They're equipped with everything they need to get their job done, and leave you guessing as to how they opened your door or broke your window while you were driving. And then finally there's the daisy-chain armada of harley-like gangs that sweep the roads of Athens. They clutter the streets and sidewalks with their all-encompassing display of 'macho-nacho-look-at-me-i'm-cool' bravado that tends to either get them killed, or has them creating a stir amongst passerbys.

The 'we-don't-match-cause-we-belong-to-a-different-soccer-team' Syndrome

True scenario: Me and a bunch of friends are all sitting down casually drinking our coffee when suddenly a drop-dead gorgeous girl sits down across from me next to my friend's friend. I don't know him very well but obviously I saw that there was a strong attraction between them. The first question that came out of his mouth toward her was - "to what soccer team do you belong?" She said "Panathanaikos," or the green team; and he said, "oh, I'm sorry babe, but we don't match, I'm Olympiakos." At which point she left in disappointment and we all starred at him like he was some kind of buffoon. He gave a sigh of 'who cares' and shrugged his shoulders as if she was somebody who just blocked his attempt to get the waitress's attention for another round of coffee. When we asked him later why he did such a foolish thing he retorted with: "I just know that in the long run it would never work out between us." I guess most Greeks who are dedicated fans of their favorite football team have a form of devotion that goes beyond anything I've ever seen. It even surpasses any type of faith people may have to a certain religion. It goes beyond the intergalactic realm, far beyond any godly or spiritual dwelling place. It is the alpha and omega for them. There is nothing that can replace its priority in their lives - not even a woman's touch of beauty.

God Forbid: God forbid two hooligan groups of opposing teams should collide in a heated argument over who belongs to the better team - it could probably instigate World War III.

The 'Not-ashamed-to-say-or-do-something-stupid' Syndrome

One of the most unexplained behaviors I have ever witnessed is how Greek people manage to have this calling with nature (or should I say Nature's calling) and do in public what normal people normally do behind closed doors in their bathrooms. They tend to pick publicly accessible places that are visible to just about anybody. For some reason they can't restrain themselves to go somewhere private, so when they have to go, they go wherever they can. Usually I've caught people taking a leak behind a tree in a public park, or behind a parked car. They stand there like animals out of the zoo without any care in the world if you look down on them. I even had one guy waving back at me with a smile on his face. It's a disgraceful form of conduct that not only defames the country but also stinks up the city with urine - making it look like a cesspool.
Then there are those people who have to speak their mind audibly. They feel that they're doing their duty as a Greek to state their opinion, especially when it's uninvited by the world or the person to whom it's directed at. It seems that wherever i go i come across at least one or two of these coincidental moments. I must be cursed because 9 out of 10 times the statement is directed at me. A typical scenario starts out something like this: I'm usually waiting in line and the person behind me notices something about something I'm either buying, wearing or saying over the phone. Then he/she interrupts me and says something so that the whole world can hear it. It's usually said in a sarcastic undertone; and when they're done blurting out the nonsense, they usually start to laugh as if they said something funny. The funny thing is that they're the only ones laughing at the end. Then I usually nod pretending that I understood what he/she said and go on with my business chuckling inside of myself. Everyone around me also starts to look away and hide their smiles so that the idiot who spoke doesn't get his/her feelings hurt in some way. I can't imagine how that would be the case since they say it with such a dignified manner. Even if everyone was to reproach him/her, he/she would still act as though what they had said was the smartest thing anyone could have said.

God Forbid: God forbid you should get into a discussion with whomever it is that starts up the opinionated-you-should-be-ashamed-of-yourself talk. All I have to say is: you should be ashamed of yourself - it's a futile wise-ass-conversation that ends up causing more aggravation than good.

The 'Lion-eats-lion' Syndrome

There's a saying out there in the competitive job/retail market that goes something like: 'it's a dog eat dog world out there." If that characterizes the rest of the world then the expression, "it's a lion eat lion world out there," characterizes the Greek marketplace. If you've ever seen the intensity of 2 lions going at it you realize that it's usually a battle to the death; whereas, with dogs, there's really no comparison since the aggression that dogs display is hardly at the same level, not to mention that the size differences between them are likewise significant. It's like trying to compare elephants to dinosaurs.
The reason that I brought out this comparison is because the real world out there is similar to people trying to dominate each other - swinging at each other with these raging claws; it's like a bunch of savage animals. Anyone who has undergone the experience of working for somebody here knows that in order to climb your way to the top you got to step on and obliterate the person below you. Each company here that I've worked for had a person who was specifically assigned to the job of sabotaging the competition. They usually work undercover as secret operatives so that no one could discover their true identity. The same is true about people trying to compete for the same position in the job market. But it gets worse because they act like they're each part of the mafia. Each family is like a crime family. It's who you know that gets you to where you want to be. These family connections form a network of secular enterprises that makeup the commercial world out there. And for those who are left out on the dirt(they know no one) get swallowed up and spit upon without mercy.

The 'Rich-get-greedier-who-get-stingier-who-pretend-they-don't-have-anything' Syndrome

I have a friend who always reminded/warned me with the following expression: "remember, I'm Greek so whatever it is you're going to ask me I'm going to answer you as a Greek person would - make sure to calculate that into your equation before you do anything." I never forgot that cause I got some very practical wisdom from him before I attempted to do anything business related with any Greek person, including himself. At first I was blinded by the fact that I had a great idea and that my would-be partner -who was rich by the way- would support me and help bring it to fruition. Little did I know that it was that same "friend" who would later use my idea and money that I invested in our so-called 'company' to meet his own purpose in developing his own little evil scheme. But at the time I was too gullible and naive to see through it. As you can imagine the financial and emotional repercussions that I had to undergo(and still am to some degree) from that tragic betrayal left me scatter-brained and hungry for payback.
My point in highlighting this experience is to point out the fact that most rich Greek people try to get greedier by exploiting whoever it is they can, even if it means that the other person succumbs into giving up everything that he/she possesses. And they do it with no sense of remorse or pity. Since then I've come across many similar scoundrels who have used and abused others to reach their rise to the top. But what amazes me the most is that these people are so tight-fisted that they won't even give an extra penny's worth to whatever it is that they're purchasing or have purchased in the past. And when you ask them for a minuscule amount to help you get through your troubles, they'll pretend that they don't have any by fabricating their own elaborate excuses on how they had to spend so much on so and so... Or how they didn't even have enough money to put gas in their cars(my favorite excuse). And then you catch them in their own lie when you happen to sit with them over a cup of coffee, and when you end up having to pay for your own cup; they suddenly take out their wallet(s) and you see a wad of countless cash emerge, and as they crack it open and flip through it to see if they have a small bill at hand you notice that there are bills you haven't even seen in real life(500s, and 200s).

The 'I-know-nod-&-sob-but-don't-do-anything-about-it' Syndrome

"It's so terrible out there, no one can find a job...and I was laid off yesterday.." boo-hoo. "My, my...when will they ever do something about reducing the age-limit when senior citizens are entitled to their pension?" boo-hoo. "When will they just give us a break and let us get paid for the extra hours we work..." boo-hoo. "How long must we be subject to these harsh conditions..." boo-hoo. "I'm so sick of being taken advantage of..." boo-hoo. "Why doesn't the government make it easier for us to do our work!" boo-hoo. People love to complain with disdain on just about everything they can get their ears on. Their vehement experience is usually so enthralling that they need a spellbound audience to keep them feeling that they're not the only ones undergoing such hardships. And by sharing it with someone they feel somewhat less deranged. The strangeness in all this is that the 'boo-hoo' sobs only get others to nod and sob as well; and eventually you have a group of people all relating their sob stories, until once all is said and done the only thing that they have accomplished is to agree on the obvious and do absolutely nothing to change their situation(and that of the world's), or that of the other person. It's a daily cycle that helps them cope with their anxieties and worries. I call these the passive-non-extremist-go-with-the-flow type who like to attract self-pity.
These people need a major dose of positive psycho therapy. Somebody should help them realize that if they want to change their negative outlook on life, they need to get out of their 'stubborn boo-hoo shell' and make a difference. Although I do have to give them some credit in that there's a lot of truth in what they say regarding the general conditions out there and how they affect everyone. Sometimes those conditions make it impossible(see also the 'lion-eat-lion' syndrome) for people to truly make the changes that they would like to make. If that's the case then I apologize for my earlier statement about making a difference, especially when you have to combat so many forces that are beyond your power. Perhaps for such a change to take affect you need to muster up all the other sobers in your group and go rally forth in the streets where the constitution building is situated. Perhaps you might be able to tickle their(congress) ears to listen to your sob story.. And maybe, just maybe..a glimmer of hope might after all be possible - NOT!

The 'melowdrama-overindulgence' Syndrome

Ohhh...the melodrama that exists out there!! It's so superfluous and so typically overstated in the media and in everyday life that you come to point where you just want to flick the off switch at whatever source is broadcasting such nonsense. Yet, when it comes to people its not so simple since there's no off switch you turn off or on - it's just there, constantly present. Personally, I've become desensitized to it so however dramatic the situation might get it tends to bounce off my skin. You have to sizzle in it for a while before you get to the point where I am.
No wonder Greeks were so good at being dramatic, for the origins of drama dates back to the golden era of Greece(600 -200BC) when the ancient Athenians created a theater culture whose form, technique and terminology have lasted two millenniums, and they created plays that are still considered among the greatest works of world drama. These have been preserved through successive generations and have merged into their traditions making them part of who they are. These intrinsic values which are dramatic in nature have evolved to include many of today's modern trends; they include: televised serials, theatrical plays/musicals and reality shows. So if you're in mood for over-exaggerated sentiment and stereotypical characters then look no further - just turn on your TV and...wallah!

The 'steal-or-be-stolen-from' Syndrome

There's an Albanian proverb that states: "When you shake hands with a Greek, count your fingers." Now, I'm quite sure that Greek's would perhaps say the same things towards Albanians, since -generally speaking- they don't like them very much. Their mindset is very work-oriented and the immigrants who have come here in recent years have amassed great fortunes for themselves. This is all due to their die-hard work regiment and their ability to save the money that they make. I'm assuming that the above proverb had spread amongst them as a result of the many business dealings that they had to encounter, and in order to make it possible to succeed in the Greek market. Their experience is one among many who have felt that there exists that general lack of trust permeating through the air. And, in my opinion, I feel the government is largely to blame for this behavior. They are suppose to be the paradigm in which everyone should follow; yet their example has been one of disrepute and outrage. First of all, they constantly change and enforce new tax policies and protocols; this makes it nearly impossible for people to get their businesses off to a good start; or, to have an edge on the competition. They then send their 'grim reapers' -or, should I say tax auditors- who stick around to collect their black envelope full of money. Well, if the general public feels insecure about how their money is being handled(taken arbitrarily) and where it is being spent, don't they have the right then to feel the same way about them?
That's why you'll notice that many store merchants don't issue receipts. They feel that they're justified in taking back what the government has taken from them.
And then there's the other side of the spectrum where people have had a piece(or all) of their physical property stolen(e.g. car, jewelry, watch, cell phone, etc..) from them - either directly(e.g. in broad daylight right in front of their very eyes) or indirectly(e.g. while they are sleeping in bed). It is a phenomenon in which everybody has suffered from in one way or another.
There was one time, I remember, when I was minding my own business and eating a hearty meal at Goody's - a popular fast food restaurant here in Greece. A young person approached me and asked me if the restrooms were in the back area of the restaurant. At the time the question seemed a bit odd since he wanted me to turn my head around and look to where he was pointing. He then exited the door which was in front of me. As I sat there I realized that my 500 euro cell phone was lying on the food tray in front of me and that at the time, when he had asked me the question I had my hand on it. This dawned on me later(after the crime), because after 5 minutes or so, he re-entered the store and walked circuitously in front of my table. Once he saw that he had the opportunity to strike, he bolted forwards and snatched it out of my hand. He then dashed out of the restaurant and ran through the crowds before I could even react. Everyone around me just starred at me for a moment because I yelled something out loud as he made his way out. Then they went back to their conversations as if nothing had happened. After that incident there were a few others but they weren't as brain-rattling as this one. It just goes to show you how everyone out there -however ethically sane they may look- has a dark, sinister side that's poised to strike at anyone who appears vulnerable. Just be careful out there, and remember, trust no one!

The 'unambiguous-lie-detector' Syndrome

There's a Russian proverb that goes something like this: "The Greeks only tell the truth once a year." There are quite a few Russian immigrants who live here, so I'm guessing they've had enough contact on a daily basis with Greek people to get a well-rounded opinion of them. And perhaps, after many years, they've developed this expression to show how rare it is for Greeks to tell the truth. Now I don't know about you but I've had my share of Greeks blatantly lying to me to know that there's no telling when and by whom a lie will come to its fruition. But one thing is for sure, when you've had enough dealings with Greeks you come to know approximately when they're going utter one. It's a fail-safe mechanism that they've come to adopt from the outside world. Since they can't seem to accept any form failure, they need a quick way to compensate for the chance that there might exist some probability of it occuring. You have to come to accept their speech pattern since it's part of their everyday routine. And in order for you to conform to it, you also have to maybe change what you were accustomed to as far as what you considered to be proper etiquette. If you've seen the movie 'liar-liar' with Jim Carrey you know then that in order for him to survive and succeed in his job he had to lie no matter what. The same holds true here but only to greater extent in that it encompasses every aspect of living. Don't get me wrong, there are those who are morally and ethically in tune with what the rest of the world considers proper; it's just a little harder finding them here - that's all.